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The flames are out now but they are still squirting water. So,上海419论坛Ramona,The Fosston Fire Department,上海龙凤419Margret, is the author of ‘Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do’ releasing on January 7 2015 You can get a free chapter and see more at wwwlovefactuallyco Take it from me: Theres nothing better than waking up next to your forever sweetheart But I speak from experience when I say theres little worse than trying to find him if you dont know what youre doing For many years I struggled and got my heart broken Finally it occurred to me: Im a science nerd Havent some other nerds studied the foundation of successful relationships And if so could I game the data and make it work for me Yes and yes Heres what I did and how you can do it too I Stopped Thinking Love Was Enough Love Is All You Need makes for a great song but not a workable life plan BS (Before Science) I fell in love and hoped everything would work out; after all isnt it true that if you have love youve got it all Lots of folks think so Most Americans list love as the main or only reason for marriage and thats a trend found throughout the Western world But that doesnt always pan out so well; just consider the 47% divorce rate for first marriages and the 75% divorce rate for couples where both partners brought children to the union Or consider my own divorce I loved my ex; but it didnt save us Im not suggesting love is unimportant All over the world love is literally considered indispensable in a life mate And folks who dont love their mate tend to cheat or leave So dont marry without it But science now shows that love is "necessary but not sufficient" required but not the only requirement I Started Valuing The Right Stuff Fortunately 4+ decades of research showed me whats absolutely necessary in a partner if you want your marriage to be long and happy: kindness respect and similarity As Dave Barry said "A person whos nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person" Science couldnt agree more In fact its impossible to overstate the importance of finding and being someone kind and respectful not only to us but to others even when things arent going their way The wrong partner takes their bad day out on others; the right one exercises self-control and treats us well anyway Research in 37 countries and cultures also shows its also vital to find someone as similar to us as possible People dont argue over the ways theyre alike In one big study scientists listed the most common things couples argue over and every topic began with the word "differences" Choosing birds of a feather will make your whole life happier whereas opposites detract The surprising way to get similarity Make a list of everything you want in a partner and then divide it into your Must-Haves and Desirables Must-Haves are just that things without which this relationship is a no-go Desirables are things youd love to have but if the guy was otherwise golden you could happily compromise The List helps you get someone similar to you because as it happens most folks end up describing themselves Those are the best standards you can have I did all this and Vic was a total mesh and mensch My every day is happy because I can be myself and know he loves that and versa-vice I Stopped Doing First Things Last Right now America is smack-dab in the middle of hook-up culture a nebulous way of getting involved where people start with some level of sexual activity then fall in love (or not) and only then examine whether theyre compatible This is a problem for at least two reasons First as weve already seen we can fall in love with someone wrong for us And second hooking up can make it much likelier that women will fall for Mr Wrong while simultaneously prodding men to remain emotionally detached In one study fully 75% of women in a hook-up scenario said they were having a tough time keeping their emotional distance but 75% of men said just the opposite Falling in love with the right one and having him love us back means reversing the hook-up process So I did I made a list of what I wanted in a mate; I screened for kindness respect and similarity before allowing myself to fall deeply in love; and I made sure sex happened after everything else I gave myself the gift of using the best odds in the right order I Started Nurturing Realistic Hope Feeling hopeless I know I did In fact Vic and I met when I was so disheartened from a prior break-up I wanted to hole up and eat Little Debbies til the end of time But science taught me that hope is the realistic attitude when it comes to finding and keeping love Most people find a permanent mate; and twice as many married people are very happy than people who are living together single divorced or widowed Finding and keeping one good marriage partner makes people healthier wealthier happier more accomplished more sexually active and satisfied and even longer-lived Id always wanted all of that; who wouldnt If all these other people could do it why not me Why not you Plus when were hopeless it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; we dont make the effort because we dont see the point I also ditched the "There are no good men" line of thinking Im a pretty good person and Ill bet you are too And you can expect to attract what you offer In fact finding and marrying our equal is so common theres a scientific term for it: the matching phenomenon So I knew that if I had good stuff to offer it was entirely reasonable to hold out for someone who had that good stuff in return Vic and I are true peers seeing eye to eye and loving each other to the core I Stopped Expecting Dating To Be Fun & I Started Going Out Whether or Not I Felt Like It Science also taught me something else about hope: When we work toward our goals especially when the task isnt necessarily fun hope grows stronger So instead of waiting for hope to grow or expecting dating to always be fun I took action and watched my attitude follow Specifically I developed a policy of going out anytime someone asked me regardless of my desire to date Despite a terrible break-up just prior to meeting Vic I said yes when he asked to see me Heres where Im supposed to say we lived happily ever after And its true; just not in the "head over heels from the day we met" kind of way See Im in an arranged marriage I arranged it through science instead of kin Tired of being hurt I learned everything I could about finding and keeping love and I applied it I persevered no matter how disappointed or heartbroken Id been because I learned to look at dating as a process not unlike job interviews; I needed someone fantastic for the job of My Life Partner and I needed to work for as long as it took until I found him and he found me right back I nurtured hope which is realistic instead of pessimism which is fatalistic I showed men I liked them but I didnt let my heart go until they matched me and loved me first I applied the science much as a loving family might apply their standards levelly and coolly to choose a mate for their beloved grown child I didnt marry for love I married for a good match in every important regard plus kindness respect similarity and love I got what research shows people tend to get from that: a love that started slowly and has built every year Vic and I are coming up on our seventh wedding anniversary I love him more now than the day we wed and more every year than the year before Upshot When I met the love of my life I didnt choose him for romantic reasons at first I chose him because the science said to The romance followed stronger and stronger and we will love each other for a lifetime I wish the same for you This article originally appeared on xoJanecom Contact us at editors@timecom IDEAS TIME Ideas hosts the world’s leading voices providing commentary on events in news society and culture We welcome outside contributions Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of TIME editors where he was met with “instant” support, Central Command began airstrikes against the militant group Islamic State of Iraq and Greater Syria (ISIS). adding $18. The date for the orientation programme. ScienceInsider has learned that the European Commission will announce on Thursday that it has heeded the advice of an independent review panel that recommended putting a scientist in charge of the ERC, You’d have to be a real hermit to have survived 2014 without hearing Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” blast from a passing car, starting in December.
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